Yo Chi Minh!

My last day in Phnom Penh was spent mingling with the sex tourists on the riverfront. After the trauma of The Killing Fields, I thought I would spend a quiet day wandering the city, but couldn't really escape the pervy old men with their giggling lady friends. After trotting merrily through a Buddhist temple for an hour thinking it was the Royal Palace, I then found the Royal Palace. Seen one Royal Palace, seen them all. After meeting Chris and Mangesh for dinner in a restaurant that trains street kids in cookery and hospitality (great to see some familiar faces), it was time to get out of dodge. I've taken a delightful souvenir of a leg full of bed bug bites - who knew that in my room with air con and Glee on cable TV and a minibar and crisp cotton sheets I would have been mauled by these little bleeders, looking like I may as well be carrying a frigging bell round my neck.

The border crossing into Vietnam was much more civilised, and I arrived in Ho Chi Minh City to a great family run guesthouse. I spent the first day on a tour of the Reunification Palace, a bizarre time warp with a wisecracking tour guide who I wanted to wrap up and ship straight home to keep me entertained with one liners when I get back. Onto the War Remnants Museum, which was reasonably harrowing, but which I soon managed to erase from my mind with a hilarious dinner on a boat. I'm getting better - I'm eating meat and not fearing instant salmonella so much.

We ended up in Lush, a club in central Ho Chi Minh, which can only be described as Vietnam Does Garlands. A Michael Jackson impersonator abseiled from the ceiling into the crowd to the strains of Beat It. A line of 1920's flapper girls doing the conga trying to sell you cigarettes. A gangsta Vietnamese rapper. 4 guys with boxes on their heads doing a synchronised dance to Adele.

I love you, Vietnam.

After a hilarious trip to a water park, I had to say goodbye to my glasses. It's okay - I didn't lose them, just stored for safekeeping while I shot down waterslides which thank god I couldn't see. I swear I've picked up Typhoid but as I said, I know I was having fun, I just couldn't see it.

30p beers on plastic kindergarten chairs in the street and a guy swallowing a saw, followed by eating hot coals, followed by shoving a live snake up his nose and bringing it out of his mouth and flossing his sinus, I have to stay here. Going to meander up to Hanoi in the north. Thailand can wait.