Goodnight Asia.

My 2 weeks on Ko Phi Phi were ridiculous. After 6 weeks touring South East Asia, it was beyond what I'd been waiting for - a big fat beach holiday. We sat on the white sandy beach, we sat in the turquoise sea. We sat and ate amazing papaya salads and massaman curries. We sat and drank cocktails at happy hour. We sat some more and ate delicious seafood (big up to Kevin '07 for his impressive catch of the day). We sat and watched the world go by, the tide come in, the tide go out, the sun go up and the sun go down. It was amazing. This place is paradise - if you're ever in the area, stop by Long Beach and don't move for at least a week.

I didn't just sit on my ass though. A few beach parties getting trashed down at Slinkys were also on the agenda, and I have the war wounds to prove it. My fall after one particular night will go down in history as particularly dramatic (I now have a giant scar on my elbow - Jodie, I forgive you for not rescuing me from the snake pit because you were pissing yourself laughing). Speaking of snakes - I saw one slithering across my porch one hungover morning. Only a mild aneurysm though. 

Later joined by Chris and Sean direct from Vietnam, we took a tour around the surrounding islands. Monkey Beach was a treat, and I was left thanking every God in the sky that I'd had my rabies jabs. I swear those beasts were extras in Outbreak. We also took a trip to Ko Phi Phi Leh, where The Beach was filmed. Even after our 8am start it was slightly overrun by tourists seeking "something visceral, something real, blah blah", but it was actually still spectacularly beautiful.

I'd booked a flight from Phuket which was my next stop, and a lot of unexpected fun. Staying above a very random Belgian steakhouse, where the owner was apparently overheard while rubbing up against his wife that he was "feeding her ink" (!?), and the next door neighbour was a ladyboy travel agent (who was actually really helpful - she booked me a cab at 5am to the airport), me and the boys had a lot of laughs down Trannie Alley with the Gaga impersonators and vodka redbulls. My last night in Thailand can only be marked by 2 words - razor blades. Go figure.

So onwards to Malaysia, which turned out to be a true life lesson in frugality. Having blown the budget in Thailand, I was forced to be cultural (read - no beer) for 10 days in Kuala Lumpur. But I actually learned something more important, which is that I really am more than happy in my own company. Most of the time.

So in summary, here are my top tips on how to save money while travelling.

(1) Stay in hostels for 2 quid a night where you are likely to find random cutlery under your pillow. Forget about renting sheets, just sleep under your travel towel.

(2) Sleep a lot. Make sure you don't get out of bed until at least 12pm - that way you don't have to pay for  breakfast.

(3) Eat only street food. It's amazing - the freshest, tastiest possible and not a hint of dysentery.

(4) Visit only free shopping malls (don't buy anything!) and places of worship. In one day I took in a cathedral, a mosque and a Hindu temple, and I only paid 20p to put my shoes in storage while I walked around.

(5) Drink only root beer, not real beer.

Big thanks to my local guides Elana, Kim, Lynz and John (and Wei Ming for the introductions) who were kind enough to show me the local KL ways of life. 

In the absence of drinking, basically I became obsessed with food in KL. Malaysia is a fascinating mix of cultures and I took it upon myself to find the best hawker stalls with the tastiest food for the least amount of money. After my introduction to a breakfast of kaya, roti babi, congee and Hainanese iced coffee, I sought out the best mamak stalls, street noodles and yesterday even walked for 2 hours in the pouring rain to find a recommendation of Time Out KL's best cheap eats. It was worth it. Peter's Pork Noodle, a tiny stall in a car park near Little India made my heart soar. Time Out described it as "something that touches every part of your taste buds, psyche and soul". I can only describe it as a noodley cooked breakfast soup, and writing about it now is making me want to jump back on a bus straight back to KL. Pork slices, crackling, minced pork and a cracked egg served up in a hot steaming bowl of soup while the rain lashed down was the most comforting thing I've ever eaten. Definitely beats the Burger Kings (Queens) in Phuket.

So here I am. Singapore - my last stop in Asia. I'm going to be so sorry to leave but in other news, I'm moving to Australia. Well, not really, but I have got my working visa which means I can stay a bit longer in Sydney and prolong this imaginary existence. I have things I want to be back for next year, and South America is still calling, but for now I'm just enjoying the ride.  

Eat. Love. Pray. Drink.

It's been a while since I blogged, felt I was in blogging overload for a while. I'll pick up again from the end of October.

We arrived in Hoi An, a beautiful town on the central coast in Vietnam, after a reasonably hideous overnight bus in which I felt like I was riding in a coffin. I didn't really see the attraction of this UNESCO World Heritage Site in the daytime, but by night the Old Town is lit up with thousands of lanterns, and is a really beautiful place. We sampled the local cuisine and took a boat ride out to sea, where our driver cooked us fresh tuna, squid and Cao Lao, the local speciality, with noodles cooked in a specific water from the local well. Halloween was a lot of fun - we got shipped out to a beach party, only to find a load of cracked out locals dancing around like lunatics with pumpkins on their heads. A few more bus-fulls of tourists later and we were all going crazy to Gaga and Beyonce.

I then took the long lonely overnight bus to Hanoi on my own, leaving my friends in Hoi An to go crazy in the bespoke tailors shops.

I read in the Lonely Planet that Hanoi, the capital of Vietnam in the north, was the Grand Old Dame of the Orient. More like the Scabby Old Drag Queen of the Orient. I hated it. Don't know if it was a mixture of the crappy cliquey hostel, leaving friends, traffic, more traffic, the fact I knew I was flying out in a couple of days, overbearing heat and the fact the Ho Chi Minh Mausoleum was closed (I really wanted to visit but they stuff his body a bit more every November), but I just couldn't bear it. I didn't have time for Halong Bay, and if I saw one more gonk with a tubing t-shirt from Laos I was going to cry. I promptly checked out of my hostel, got a nicer place and sat indoors and watched movies and ate burgers all day. I know it was cheating but it made me feel so much better. I wasn't going to let this taint my experience of Vietnam, it was an amazing place to visit and I would definitely encourage people to go.

So onwards back to Thailand. Flying directly out of Hanoi to Bangkok and then out again to Surat Thani, I enrolled at the Agama Yoga School in Ko Phangan, which I attended for a week and was a really awesome experience. There was a lot of theory and I learned all about my chakras and cosmic energies and I'm going to be such a teacher's pet when I get back to London. I stayed in a very basic bungalow right on the beach, hired a motorbike and cruised round the island, salutating the sun and feeling very zen. 6 weeks ago I could hardly bear to get into a tuk-tuk and now I was literally Easy Rider. It was a fantastic experience, sitting on my hammock listening to the sea and getting back to basics. Big thanks to Gabriel for sorting out the bungalow and introducing me to beach life :)

I should also mention that I skipped yoga class to go to the Full Moon party on Thursday. I won't blog on too much about it though, this is a public blog and I need to get gainful employment when I return to London, but from what I can remember 3 buckets on it was a lot of fun.................  ;)

Before the Full Moon Party though, we celebrated the Thai festival of Loy Krathong, held yearly to celebrate the end of the rainy season. I cut off a little bit of what's left of my hair, and set if afloat onto the sea in a little basket boat made of banana leaves with a candle and incense sticks, as an offering to the Water Goddess. Seeing all these little things floating off into the darkness from the shore was really very beautiful. I made a wish; in retrospect, maybe I should have wished for no more buckets. 

With the monsoon rains on the Gulf Coast threatening, I made my way to Krabi, on the Andaman Coast, where it turns out there was also monsoon rain of biblical proportions. Krabi was kind of crappy, but I had fun down at Hippie's Bar, and staying in my bamboo bungalow at the Laughing Gecko in the middle of a cashew nut orchard. I saw my second snake of the trip and only froze for 2 seconds. I'm learning.

I've now arrived in Ko Phi Phi, near where The Beach was filmed. White golden sands. Turquoise clear sea. And SUN. I'm not moving for 2 weeks. Next stop - Malaysia.

The Ghost of Thomas Hardy and Kamikaze Hookers

My last few days in Ho Chi Minh were a wondrous time. We took a day trip to the Cao Dai Great Temple, 100km north of HCMC. Cao Daism is a perplexing religion, something to do with seances and the spirit of William Shakespeare, Joan of Arc and Thomas Hardy. I've seen a lot of temples recently, but this one took the freaking biscuit. A cacophony of colours, music and a ceremony like I've never seen, they believe in "the existence of the soul, the use of mediums to communicate with the Aspiritual world, and belief in one god".

Blew my mind.

Onwards to the CuChi Tunnels, where I conquered my claustrophobia to get down and dirty in the 200km of tunnels dug during the Vietnam War and saw traps laid for the Americans with spikes up to your eyeballs. We ate a weird tunnel dinner of some kind of nutty sweet potato with sugar and peanuts and I lost my fear of dysentery.

Waving goodbye to Saigon, we headed up to the Central Highlands, this was the first time I've worn socks in a month. While the others took an early start in the mountains, I opted for a day in the city. It was cold. And if you thought I was shitting myself in a tuk tuk, you should have seen me on the back of a motorbike. Clinging. On. For. Dear. Life. I took a cable car up to a Chinese pagoda, and paid a visit to the local's "crazy house". Kind of like Disneyland but a but shitter. It felt good to not be sweating in 30 degree heat and I think it's at this point that I give a shout to my lovely travel buddies The Laxton-Badleys and Jo-Jo.. Thanks for taking me under your wing. Drinking vodka under a mosquito net will never be the same. I'm praying for immunity to Japanese Encephalitis.

A cramped bus ride later, we've arrived in Nha Trang.. THE BEEEEEEEACH! I sat today on paradise sands, burning my belly, reading my Kindle (I'm on The Help- nailed One Day in two bus rides- I heart you, Dex), drinking beer and fighting off kamikaze hookers. "You want pringles?" "no". "you want massage?". "no". "you want chupa chup?" "no." "you want bracelet?" "no". "you want ladyboy?" " NO!". I bought a lucky Buddha bracelet. It was the least I could do.

The Vietnamese are the cheeriest, cheekiest people I've ever met. The Beef Pho is to die for and the diversity of the country is sending me crazy. I don't want to leave but I've booked a flight for November 5th back to Thailand. I'll be sorry to say goodbye.

Yo Chi Minh!

My last day in Phnom Penh was spent mingling with the sex tourists on the riverfront. After the trauma of The Killing Fields, I thought I would spend a quiet day wandering the city, but couldn't really escape the pervy old men with their giggling lady friends. After trotting merrily through a Buddhist temple for an hour thinking it was the Royal Palace, I then found the Royal Palace. Seen one Royal Palace, seen them all. After meeting Chris and Mangesh for dinner in a restaurant that trains street kids in cookery and hospitality (great to see some familiar faces), it was time to get out of dodge. I've taken a delightful souvenir of a leg full of bed bug bites - who knew that in my room with air con and Glee on cable TV and a minibar and crisp cotton sheets I would have been mauled by these little bleeders, looking like I may as well be carrying a frigging bell round my neck.

The border crossing into Vietnam was much more civilised, and I arrived in Ho Chi Minh City to a great family run guesthouse. I spent the first day on a tour of the Reunification Palace, a bizarre time warp with a wisecracking tour guide who I wanted to wrap up and ship straight home to keep me entertained with one liners when I get back. Onto the War Remnants Museum, which was reasonably harrowing, but which I soon managed to erase from my mind with a hilarious dinner on a boat. I'm getting better - I'm eating meat and not fearing instant salmonella so much.

We ended up in Lush, a club in central Ho Chi Minh, which can only be described as Vietnam Does Garlands. A Michael Jackson impersonator abseiled from the ceiling into the crowd to the strains of Beat It. A line of 1920's flapper girls doing the conga trying to sell you cigarettes. A gangsta Vietnamese rapper. 4 guys with boxes on their heads doing a synchronised dance to Adele.

I love you, Vietnam.

After a hilarious trip to a water park, I had to say goodbye to my glasses. It's okay - I didn't lose them, just stored for safekeeping while I shot down waterslides which thank god I couldn't see. I swear I've picked up Typhoid but as I said, I know I was having fun, I just couldn't see it.

30p beers on plastic kindergarten chairs in the street and a guy swallowing a saw, followed by eating hot coals, followed by shoving a live snake up his nose and bringing it out of his mouth and flossing his sinus, I have to stay here. Going to meander up to Hanoi in the north. Thailand can wait.